Curse of the Squirrel
by BroadwayChickadee
Summary: Emmett, squirrels, and two of the most insane writers on the web. You will laugh, you will cry, you may even sneeze! With the two of us, there's no telling what is going to happen, but it will not be pretty!
1. Opening AN because it's a must have!

**Hello, literate and illeterate beings! And, I must give a special shout-out to all you illeterate readers. Congratulations on making it this far!! If you make it to the end, we'll give you cookies!! **

**Okay, so, to get to my point. If you were looking for fluffy, fluffish, fluffiness, well, you've come to the wrong place! Don't get me wrong, I love fluff as much as the next person, and just for that, I'm going to satisfy the desire of the fluff-lovers, and summarize the story for you!! **

**Pablo the Unicorn was eating his candy grass in Rainbow Meadow one lovely day when all the rainbows were shining in the sky. But then, all of a sudden, a cloud covers the meadow and all the rainbows disappear! So, Pablo journeys far across the meadow where he meets Liza. Together, the duo locates the leperchaun king and with his help, they climb the rainbow and push the clouds away! And to end this season's most heartfelt Fanfic, Pablo and Liza kiss and then trot into the sunset, tail in tail. **

***sniff sniff* I almost cried writing that! This is gonna be one tough story to write. Thank god we're not writing that one! **

**So, let's get down to business. I personally advise you to stop reading now, if you know what's good for you! I'm serious, go, now! Like, either choose another story, or get up and walk away from your computer. GO! GET! SCRAM! VAMOOSE! **

**Wow, you're stubborn. Okay, well you've been warned. And while I'm warning you, I'd like to add that this story may be hazardous to your health in many ways. Neither Tasha nor I are responsible for any injuries, physical or mental, that may come to you while reading the story. **

**Okay, now that we've gotten that out of the way, we can move onto more important matters. This **_**is **_**a collabaration story with BroadwayChickadee and Tasha_Hay.**

**Now, this promises to be quite an interesting story as we are both crazy, literally. And, we are from different countries; Tasha is British and I, Kaki, am American. So, don't judge us if our writing differs! Which is probably will, as Tasha is a **_**much, much **_**better writer than myself. And I truly mean that, check out her profile, she has some incredible stories! **

**Well, that's it for my A/N. I'll let Tasha take over from here! Much Love Always, BC**

My turn! I'll write in italics just to make it easy for you. And I beg to differ with Kaki; I'm seriously a terrible writer. But, I must admit, I have a love of semicolons. Kaki is a great author, and that is that matter closed. I win! Um, so here goes nothing. (By the way, I haven't discussed any form of plot with BC yet, so this might seem a little open ended for chapter one… or not. I'm yet to decide.)

Crap! I realised I've never put a disclaimer in any of my stories (I thought you guys would realise that I know the characters aren't mine, but I'll tell you anyway.)

Disclaimer: All characters are fictional (except Pablo the unicorn; I met him the other day. He's so cool! Liza, though, is imaginary. Yeah, Pablo made up his girlfriend. I might take him speed dating one day…) and any characters resembling those in the public eye, or your biology teacher, or even Aunt Mildred (yes, it has happened), is entirely coincidental. The Cullens, Blacks, Swans, Clearwaters, Volturi, yada yada yada, any other characters mentioned in the books, are property of the Great Ms Meyer, due to her amazing head and… clever… headiness.

I have just been informed (about 21 hours after this note was started) of how we're actually going to do this. It is a series of one/two-shots told in passing animals perspectives. Some pretty interesting things in there; please read. Oh, and review. You know you want to ;)

So, yeah. I'm going to hand over to Kaki now; bask in her glorified glory only to be made more glorious by myself. (Could you imagine us describing glorious fluff? The glorious fluffy, glorified, fluffish fluff of glory…)

Enjoy whatever she writes: she is your superior! Signing off, Tasha. x


	2. Passing Squirrel POV reminiscing

**Chapter ONE: ****Curse of the squirrels, part one.**

**Written by Tasha, probably edited by Kaki**

**(Passing Squirrel POV)**

*******

As I spun the nut in my hands, I heard some rustling and voices nearby.

"…Rose, can't we just hurry up and go home?" A deep male voice asked.

"Emmett," a woman replied. "I haven't hunted in two weeks. I'm going crazy here."

With a sigh – presumably from the male – the rustling proceeded past me, a sign that they had walked away.

I turned around to face my darling Olivia, my squirrel wife.

"Olivia," I called her. "There are…"

"Humans? Dear, they're slightly off the trail, don't you think?" She chuckled her soprano laugh and scurried over to my side.

"I don't think they were _humans_, Olli," I whispered. "They smelled funny."

"I see…" She mused. I noticed that their smell was similar to that of some creatures that used to live here in Forks. I thought, at first, that it _was_ them. But it had been too long for them to still live.

Then again, who was I to talk? I was an eternal squirrel. I would live forever… Ever since that faithful day one summer…

*Squirrel Flashback* _yes, squirrels have memories. Especially this squirrel._

I skittered across the ground, picking up the scent of something new. It wasn't a smell I recognized; it made me curious. I followed the new scent through the overgrown trees and the leaves—that were, for once, dried—and came across the corpse of a deer. I didn't quite know what to do, so I just stood there and felt sorry for the poor thing. I didn't know how he died, and yes, it was going to happen one day, but somehow I got the impression he was taken before his time.

Then seething pain surged through me. I felt my muscles solidify and everything locked in place. If I could have screamed, I would have, but I feared what would happen next. I felt a pulsing at my hip and with all my strength, I turned my gaze to look at it. The head of a human was sucking greedily at my fur. Oh crap, I was going to die. I was going to be killed, slowly and painfully. I snapped my eyes back into a more comfortable position.

The only more painful form of death I could have imagined involved a spoon and the wrong end of a pencil.

Then I heard a voice. I don't know whose voice it was, or even what it said, but this voice saved my life. The _thing_ pulled away from my and left me there, writhing in pain.

I don't know how long exactly I was there. I just know that 'it hurt' was an understatement. _Fire_ was an understatement. _Being boiled in oil_ was an understatement. I felt I was being fried and stood on and set alight and sleep deprived all at once. I didn't know what was happening. Would anyone find me? Would anyone care that I was missing? I was dying. And it really hurt.

There were moments where I felt I was falling and my vision would haze up. I found it was easier to concentrate on breathing and keeping my tiny heart beating with my eyes shut. I would time my breaths, pray that there would be a hundred more breaths in me. Every time I reached my target, a little bit more hope descended on more. I could live. Although, if living was anything like this …_fire_ much longer, I thought I would explode.

Then, it stopped.

It was so sudden. I felt like not just a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, but everything. I felt so good. I felt so free. So much had disappeared; the pain went from being so intense to being completely absent.

But, then an ache in my chest. Why? Would the pain ever stop?

I stood up instantaneously, looked around and ran toward the nearest thing I could smell. My senses _had_ been heightened, but I was used to smelling everything that I hardly noticed.

I could smell _further_, I had noticed. I could smell things that I wouldn't have the day before.

I ran toward the scent that intrigued me. The aroma kind of made me want to melt; it was so sweet but perfectly balanced with delicious.

I stopped short when I saw where the odor was coming from. A deer, brown and peaceful, was looking up at me, having heard my approach. The deer took a step back, but I was so _quick_ now! I jumped down from my path and made my way to the deer's side. I sunk my teeth into the warm body of the deer and when I pulled them out of the wound, I felt the blood ooze into my mouth. I sighed—through my nostrils—as I savored the blissful taste on my tongue and felt the blood slosh around in my mouth.

After a few minutes of greedily sucking, I pulled my mouth away from the deer, contented.

*End Flashback.* _Yes, vampire squirrel._

"Joe?" Olivia recaptured my attention. I turned to look at her; she was gazing into my eyes with a fear.

"What's wrong?" I asked, at her side now.

"It's just… Well, if it _is_ those things again… well, what do we do?"

"I don't know, Olivia. I don't know." I told her the truth. False hope was cruel, and she'd get me for it in the end.

**Okay, so, as you can see we've strayed from our original idea, but this came to me in science the other day, and it was begging to be written! We'll work on getting both of our a/n's in from now on. Don't hurt us! We're new at collabing. **

_*ahem* If you would kindly note the button VV. _

_Yes, that button. _

_Would you be so kind to, um, press said button and type your opinions in the space provided. _

_Thanks lovies! KISSES_


	3. Another an sorry to be such a buzzkill

**Author's Note – Tasha.**

As I'm sure you guys are fully aware, no one likes an author's note for a chapter. But, as annoying as said notes can be, I think that the purpose behind this one is a very important one and I hope you can forgive us.

As many of you will be aware, a beloved FanFiction author – Daddy's Little Cannibal – has passed on. We are all very sad to hear of such a tragedy, and I'm sure I speak for all of us when I send my deepest condolences to anyone that had the pleasure of knowing her personally.

Kaki and I were both very surprised to discover her loss. She was truly an amazing writer. If you are not yet acquainted with her work, do check it out. She is in my (The Unnamed One) favourites, as are many of her stories. Although I'm sure I'll be able to cope with her unfinished work, I will miss knowing she has a new story up, and I'll miss her jolly, profound or even just whacked out author's notes.

Stephanie (Daddy's Little Cannibal) will, I'm sure, be in the memories of those who loved her work. Her life was tragically cut short in an unjust manner, but we must look forward to what we can. Although we will not here more from her, I'm sure I'm not the only one to continue reviewing her amazing work.

Looking on, however, I'd hate to say there'll be another Stephanie anywhere out there. Of course, there'll be many other spectacular writers—who knows; some may exceed her unequivocal talent?—to come. I am not trying to make light of such a catastrophic event, but I am saying that not all hope is lost in humanity (despite that being the feeling I had this morning, when I found out).

Sorry once again for the note, but Stephanie was an amazing writer and to see her go is such a sad thing. I'll hand you over to Broadway Chickadee.

**Thanks,  
~Tasha. x**

I think Tasha covered it all. However, I do love the spotlight, so I'm going to give my 2 cents.

Daddy's Little Cannibal was truly an amazing author, and while I did not have the pleasure of knowing her or ever talking to her, it pains me to know that such a talented being has passed death is a tragic loss to the writing community and she will be dearly missed.

Tasha is correct in saying that there will never be another Stephanie. She was a remarkable, revered, author whom I looked up to. She was the author whose work was so impeccably written, her plots so captivating, that when one of her story alerts appeared in your inbox, your day was brightened.

As cheesy as it may sound, what with me not knowing her or anyone personally associated with her, I send my deepest condolences to her family and friends. I also feel obliged to commend her dear friends and constant collab author, _Bronzehairedgirl620_ and _kikyoskiller. _

Bronze and kiyko I'm sure are having a tough time with this, (I'd be crushed if something happened to Tasha) but nevertheless they posted shortly after Stephanie's death. They are tough, brave, souls and wonderful friends. I cannot be certain, as I have never had to cope with something so catastrophic, but I am fairly sure that it must be hard for them to continue writing. And, not only that, writing to keep Stephanie's memory alive.

"We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will." - Chuck Pahalahniuk

While I cannot say for certain that Stephanie has achieved this goal, I do know that she came pretty darn close. She has created writing that has affected hundreds, if not thousands, of people. And in doing so, her memory lives on, maybe not forever, but as long as her fans live on, so does Stephanie.

So, while it seems the right thing to do, dedicating this story to Stephanie, it doesn't feel right to me as I don't like to dwell on the negativity of the past. Stephanie is gone, and we will move on. So, I dedicate _Curse of the Squirrel _friends like kiyko and bronze. Where would we be without them?

**xoxo,**

**BroadwayChickadee**


	4. Emmett POV we're going on a bear hunt

**Hey guys!! So insanely sorry for the lack of updates! I've had major writers block for a while, but I think I'm back! I hope you enjoy this chapter, and please excuse the language, I really got into this one. Read, enjoy, and review!!**

**-BroadwayChickadee**

Sun. Hell yeah! It had been 2 whole weeks since we'd seen sun in this godforsaken town, and I desperately needed a good hunt, maybe Jasper would come too.! He and Alice were in their room swapping spit, or at least I hoped that's what that noise was, so I ran up to break them up. Alice apparently had not seen me coming because she wasn't at the door growling when I walked in. Yup, swapping spit they were. Odd, they were usually so, sensual, hardly ever _this _flamboyant.

"HEY! LOVEBIRDS!!!"

The two pulled away momentarily, long enough for Jasper to growl, "Go away Emmett." Then, they just sat there, centimeters apart, staring into each others eyes. "_Ahh, there's the couple I know!" _

"Gosh, I just wanted to see if you'd like to go hunt with me." I cooed. "But, I can see that you don't want to be bothered, so I'll go now." I turned and walked out the door, at a slow pace, even for humans, making clear in my mind where I'd be hunting. Jasper's eyes were so dark I knew that Alice wouldn't be able to deny him, even if most of that _was _lust.

"Jasper," I could hear her whisper as I picked up my pace ever so slightly. "Go. You haven't hunted almost two weeks." Her high-pitched voice was bordering a whine, but remained overly seductive. Dammit, now he'd never go! Damn her stupid persuasive ways!

"Not now." His murmur was muffled, as if he was talking into her skin.

"Yes now." She ordered softly after a moment. "You _are _thirsty, and I don't want to deal with Emmett's whining for the next week."

"Now, now darlin' He soothed. "I couldn't very well leave you now, and let that new bra go to waste, now could I?"

_How dare he! I taught him that technique! How fucking dare he use it against me! _

"But Jas-"

"No buts. The house will be empty soon..."

I didn't catch the rest, if there was anything to catch; i was too caught up in my own rage.

How fucking dare he! I taught him that, and this is how he repays me?! Well, I'll be damned if I ever teach him anything again! Yes sir-ee,_ "Well Jazz, the number one fix for most buzz kills would be to compliment her. Tell her why you should continue, and if all else fails, kiss her, and add a compliment or two in as well. If that doesn't work, then don't push it. Trust me"_, will be the last piece of advice I ever give him! Hell, he'll be lucky if I ever speak to him again! I mean honestly -

"Emmett?" Edward called, bringing me back to reality.

"Wha- Oh, hey, when did you get home?"

"About five minutes ago. And Alice really wants us out. Come on, let's hunt."

"Fine." I grumbled. I had really wanted to hunt with the traitor, he was much more fun than Mr. 100 year old virgin. Edward seriously needed to get a sex life, maybe he'd loosen up a bit.

"Emmett" Edward stated blandly once we were at the river. "We are _not _having this discussion now."

Yup, definitely needed some action, or maybe a few muscle relaxers topped off with a bottle of tequila.

**Hope you enjoyed this one. Please review. Every time you read a story and don't review a child in Africa dies. **

**-BroadwayChickadee**


	5. Another AN I am SO sorry

Hello darling readers! So, I just did the math and I am SO sorry! I mean like totally, completely, and utterly sorry! I can't believe it's been 8 months since we've posted a chapter. This is inexcusable and extremely rude. I cannot believe the negligence. I mean really, who could be so careless!?! Oh yeah.....

TASHA!

* ...I know you have this story on alert, missy. *

Readers, I know you're all very upset over this lack of update on Tasha's part, and I fully understand if you want to take your frustrations out on her. Feel free to pelt her with virtual tomatoes, tie her up over a fire like a roast pig and bewitch her, or (for those of you with gentler souls) send her hateful messages and reviews. Whatever you do, just don't harm her hands! She needs them to type future chapters *if she can ever motivate herself enough to do so;)* and I am too much of a procrastinator to write a whole story on my own- those of you following any of my other stories know that.

Now that we've established who is to blame for the lack of update and ways to punish said person, let's discuss the next chapter. Tasha is _supposedly _putting the finishing touches on it now, so look for it within the next 2 weeks.

I just realized that we have a trend going, and it's probably pissed many readers off. Some of you probably already knew this was going to be an authors note. I mean after all, we have CHAPTER, AN, CHAPTER, AN, CHAPTER and now another AN. I, personally hate when author's notes interrupt a story, so we'll try not to make it a pattern.

Is it bad that I enjoy writing AN's more than writing actual chapters? I should probably get a blog, but people would probably be too scared of my thoughts. Quite frankly, my thoughts frighten me quite a bit.

AH! I'm getting off track, dammit.

Now, I **know **there was something else I wanted to discuss.... Don't you just hate it when you can't remember something you know was important? I do.

Oh Yeah! New Moon the movie was amazing! I saw it at midnight- be jealous. However, the Eclipse premiere date is going to cause me some problems. So, if anyone has any way to get the release date pushed back 3 days or even a week, I will give you my firstborn child. I'm serious.

 Ah, well, I guess I'll just close here. Please free to punish Tasha as you see fit; her Fanfic name is "The Unnamed One" ---------www {dot} fanfiction {dot} net /u/1868646/The_Unnamed_One

...I think I'm allowed to do that..if not, lemme know and I'll remove it.

ALSO! If you would read my blog, let me know. I'm seriously considering starting one. :D I might even let Tasha join.....might.

Much love to our amazing readers,

BroadwayChickadee

*********tasha will probably have something to say about this, so I'll post her reply at the bottom of this AN- if she has one. It's seriously not her fault- she had computer problems, and my heart goes out to her, but if she had a mac... ;).


	6. Chapter 3

**Yeah, yeah. It took for-freakin'-ever. I get it. But it's here now, right? Anyway. Read me please. I tried to make our main man a little more fun this chapter. Any success? ^^**

**PSPOV**

"Human." Olivia repeated. "Human?! You're kidding, right? There hasn't been a _human_ in that house since the seventies!"

I sucked in a breath through my teeth before sighing. Why, WHY couldn't the woman – squirrel, whatever – just believe me? I'd smelt it myself: pure, unadulterated human. Well, I'm not too sure about the unadulterated part, but they certainly hadn't been tampered with…

I was knocked from my trail of thought from a voice, somewhat nearby. Accompanied by the smell of fresh death, the air threw his words: "Who's there?"

Not many people spoke squirrel. Damned vampires.

"Olivia. The yellow-eyes are back, okay? The mind-reader is with them. Let's go." She hesitated. God-forsaken woman. "C'mon!"

And so we scurried – I _really_ love that word – fast as we might into the woods. Aware of the mind-reader, and his lack of knowledge of us little squirrel things, I thought squirrelly thoughts: _nuts… nuts… where the heck are my nuts… I could really go for a rum and coke right about now… I mean, um, nuts…_

I became aware of a deeper voice – a deeper voice of which I recognized from the other day; this guy was dubbed "Em" by the person with him – the voice seeped through the thicket of wild shrubbery that was the forest in which we dwelled. "What is it Eddie?"

*

As a squirrel, there were some situations I rarely faced. Among them boldly stood sitting at a dinner table with an abnormally large family of vampires – two of whom had just carried us here by the scruff of our necks, as if we were kittens or something – and their pet human. Apparently it would be wrong to go anywhere near her blood. Sweet as freaking peach. She allegedly knew what she was entering into by being so close to humans.

The messy looking mind-reader, had explained to the family where he had found us, and our scent – or there lack of it.

So there we sat, poised for interrogation.

The messy one was like an interpreter. The yellow-eyes made perfect contact with us; we understood what they were saying. But something about our distinct "mute" lifestyle meant that we couldn't answer back. The messy one, what with his unique talent, could read our answers from our minds. Clever.

And so we were to respond to them… in our minds. Right.

"So," The slightly elder blonde male began, "Tell me again, "Joe"," He said my name with a slight air of disbelief. "Do you know how long you've been here? In these woods?"

Since nineteen-forty-something. I dunno. I guess Olivia keeps track of dates.

"The female claims they've lived amongst these parts for the best part of sixty years now."

"And… They're vampires?" Said the pretty young girl with short dark hair.

The messy guy—

"I have a name."

_What is it then?! _

"Edward."

_It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Edward. You have no freakin' idea. _

"And I don't appreciate being called messy." He frowned at the quirked eyebrows thrown at him by his family.

The human looked at him. "I like it that you're _dirty_. I mean messy." I swear, her eyes popped out and her face changed colour dramatically.

I laughed. The guy shot a look at me. _Whoops?_

The elder blonde steered us back on track. "Alice, you were saying?"

The shorter lady smiled for the intervention. "So, you guys are vampires?" We nodded. Something we rarely do. "And… are you two, like, married?" I threw a sideward smirk at Olivia. She beamed and did her best to nod.

"Oh. My. God." Came a surprisingly feminine rasp from the burly one.

The human giggled while the short girl, Alice, asked, "What is it, Em?"

The mind-reader, having already caught on, shook his head and sat down with the human again.

"ALERT THE GOVERNMENT! THE PRESIDENT MUST KNOW! SQUIRRELS ARE GOING TO TAKE OVER THE FREAKIN' WORLD! LOOK AT THEM! They get MARRIED, guys, MARRIED! THEY'RE SQUIRRELS!..." The guy carried on, leaving the room, still ranting about the preposterousness of the situation.

I stuttered over the word in my mind. Preposterous…osity? Preposterousity? I dunno.

"Preposterousness." Edward corrected. Again with the weird looks…

**DONE! I'm honestly sorry. That's probably riddled with mistakes, but if I delay this chapter any longer, I WILL be hung drawn and quartered. Not something I'd be looking forward to. Anyway, review for us. We live on reviews. Honestly. When you guys review, by the way, I still check them out, despite how awkward it is being on a different profile. I check out your favourites and your own work. By reviewing, you're give me reading material. Aren't you proud?**

**Anyway. I'll save you from my insanity now. **


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